


Lowlights

by Mishafer



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: A hint of Reibert and Eremika, Angst, Comfort, Crushes, F/M, I have a good reason for writing this trust me, Loss of Virginity, Stargazing, Trainee Era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-13
Updated: 2018-01-13
Packaged: 2019-03-04 04:12:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13356246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mishafer/pseuds/Mishafer
Summary: Bertholdt and Mikasa discover they share more in common than a love of stargazing. For better or worse.





	Lowlights

**Author's Note:**

> Okay hear me out: Mikasa/Bertholdt interaction would have been great. They share much more in common than Armin and Bertholdt. Bertl and Mikasa are both highly talented fighters with a blind devotion to someone whose ideals are questionable. They're both extremely strong but struggle to shine beyond their closest friend. They also came to the same conclusion about the world being a cruel place and needing to act accordingly. 
> 
> So have this.

A burst of air left Bertholdt’s lungs when Mikasa pinned him to the ground and pressed her sparring stick against his throat. Though a giant in both human and titan forms, he felt unbearably small. This girl—this beast as Annie called her—could crush him like an ant. He usually held back against other cadets to be perceived a soldier in training rather than an adept warrior. But with her he had to fight like a titan.

She pulled back and stood before extending her hand. Bertholdt accepted and returned to towering over her.

“You’re an excellent opponent as always,” she said.

He started to reply when he caught sight of Reiner from across the field. A strong arm wrapped around another cadet and a grin plastered on both their faces.

“Bertholdt?” Mikasa asked.

"Hm? Oh, right.” He cleared his throat. “You too.”

She began to leave but turned back, shapely eyes narrowed. “Why do I never see you mentoring the others? You have a lot you could show them.”

“Our instructors better at teaching than I am. Plus, other cadets have taken on that kind of role already.”

“Maybe they could use a break.” She twirled her sparring stick before heading back to the armory.

Mikasa’s words hung in his head for days. Teach the others? All that would do was draw attention to himself. More burden to bear. Sure, he never turned down a request for help, but he never offered either. Present enough to be seen, but forgotten once he left the room.

Bertholdt sat in the mess hall and sipped his potato stew, taste buds cringing from the excess rosemary. A boisterous Reiner celebrated a semester’s end and congratulated everyone’s hard work. Eren meanwhile proclaimed it a step closer to a titan-free world. Reiner and Eren could effortlessly fill any room. It was suffocating.

Bertholdt's eyes wandered to Mikasa sitting between Eren and Armin. To his surprise, she was already looking at him. They shared a curious gaze for a moment before returning to their unfinished meals.

After supper, he changed into his evening clothes and took to the mess hall's empty porch. He inhaled the brisk evening air and relished the quiet. The clear black sky gave way to a generous array of twinkling stars.

A muted stride met the wood followed by a soft inquiry, “Do you like stargazing?” Mikasa peered up at him with the same curious gaze as before.

Bertholdt pondered her motive. If he were needed for something, she would come out and say it. Unless she was honestly wanted to know if he enjoyed stargazing?

He nodded to her question regardless. “I do.”

“I like that one there.” She pointed to the Big Dipper. “Big Flycatcher.” Paradis had a different name for it than Marley.

“I think the Seven Sisters is my favorite. Right there.” His finger hovered over the constellation—its title the same as Marley's. “Its stars aren’t as bright but I think that’s just because they’re further away.”

She raised an eyebrow. “I like that theory.”

A few seconds of wordlessness passed. Crickets chirping and the echoes of recruits goofing around in the distance. Moonlight painted Mikasa's face and added a glow to her delicate features. His heart skipped a beat and he wiped a dampening palm on his pants.

“I best be going back inside,” she said. “Goodnight, Bertholdt.”

“Goodnight, Mikasa.”

He thought her interest a one-off, a fluke, but the next night the same footsteps clicked across the porch as he stargazed.

Bertholdt turned, eyes widening. “Hi there.”

“Too cloudy tonight to see Flycatcher.”

“Or to tell if the moon is full.”

“You don’t remember what it was last night?”

“Guess not. I was more into the stars.”

“It was almost full last night, but it’ll be full tomorrow.”

"I could stand to learn my moon phases."

"They're simple."

Their meetups under the stars became a semi-regular routine. Each time Bertholdt tempted to ask why she was spending with him. He briefly worried she was suspicious, but she had no reason to be.

Mikasa told him her knowledge of the sky stemmed from Armin. Who along with Eren would analyze the constellations in Shiganshina. Bertholdt explained the origin of his interest which was his mother. Perched in her lap as a small boy watching her finger draw invisible lines in the sky. It wasn't a piece of fabricated backstory—he figured one lone bit of truth wasn't harmful.

Days turned to weeks and his eyes wandered to her more times than he intended. A strange feeling in his gut as he studied her expressions. An unreadable pout here, a focused stare there, and an unmistakable frown as she gripped Eren’s arm and urged him to not clock Jean on the back of the head. Eren barely seemed to notice her as he struggled against her grip. Rambling about the interior being no safer because eventually the titans would get in. They always did.

That night Mikasa failed to show. Bertholdt didn’t think much of it, figuring she had more important things to do than converse with him. But he stayed put and enjoyed the stars alone. Recalling earlier that day when Reiner had his arm hooked around his shoulders. The warmth of his touch and the chill when they parted. A chill now turned to frigidity in his absence. Reiner again off palling around with the others. In some room where no one would notice Bertholdt wasn't there.

The thought made him feel cold.

Shivering, he began back to the boys' barracks. A rustle came from behind the storage shed by the classrooms. Wondering if the raccoon was back, he tiptoed over. His legs were primed to kick when he found Mikasa sitting on the grass against the shed.

He shrunk back. “I’m sorry. I thought it was the raccoon. I wasn’t stalking you.”

She kept her head down. “I know you weren’t.”

“Sorry again.”

He started to leave when she said, “Wait, you could...” She gestured weakly to the spot beside her.

“You sure?”

“If you'd like.”

“Of course.” He settled beside her and pulled his knees to his chest.

She lifted her head, cocking it to the side. “How come you always sit like that?”

He shrugged. “I’m tall. This way I don’t take up so much room.”

“Is it comfortable?”

“It’s habit.”

She pulled her own legs against her chest. “Doesn't seem comfortable to me.”

“Guess it's just a matter of preference.”

Her legs fell to just modest bend and her features tensed in contemplation.

A subtle rosy aroma wafted to his nose. Was she wearing a perfume? She didn't seem the type to bother with such things, but what else could it be? Her clothes soap? Unless she just happened to naturally smell sweet. His stomach did that funny thing again.

“How much... “ she began, biting her lip, “how much effort do you think is worth it?”

“I'd say it depends.”

“On what?"

"How much your effort can actually achieve. There's only so much one person can do."

"It's not like you can give up. Even if it achieves nothing in the end."

"Of course not, but I can't imagine something _you_ can't do."

Her lips formed a tiny smile. "Thank you."

Bertholdt blinked, his memory flaring with the scene from earlier with Eren. He tried to hold his words, he was reaching too far in bonding with her. But his heart welled with sympathy. "Eren will grow into himself. I'm sure without you, he wouldn't be half the person he is today."

He awaited a response, stiff with worry he crossed a line. "I hope so," she replied.

He breathed a short breath of relief. "Has he always been this way?"

"Never slowed down. Though I wish he would sometimes. Just a little." She threaded her fingers through the grass. "What about Reiner? Has he always been so outgoing?"

"Not always. He's changed some. Kinda hard to tell where the old him ends and the current one begins." He gnawed his tongue. Though there was nothing incriminating about what he said, he felt he had spilled something of critical secrecy. After all, he never let him even himself think it in such discrete terms.

"So you had time to play catch up," she said with a smile—that barely there smile he found so endearing. "I never did."

He raised his eyebrows. "Had a lively childhood, did ya?" Her smile faded to a frown. The warmth drained from his body. Eren had mentioned Mikasa was orphaned and taken in by his parents. "Oh, oh I'm sorry. I didn't mean to—I mean I know that you were—"

Mikasa waved her hand. "It's okay."

He clutched his knees closer to his chest. "This is why I usually stay quiet."

She scooted closer. "Bertholdt... why don't you try letting your legs down?"

"Huh?"

She gave him an encouraging nod.

Bertholdt hesitated for a moment, wanting to question further. But he loosened his hold and let his legs cross.

"Uncomfortable?" she asked.

"A little." He quashed his instinct to bring them up again.

"I think you should sit like that more often. And talk more often, even if you don't say entirely the right thing. Thank you for talking to me."

"Yeah. Maybe I'll get a word of the day calendar. And you too. I mean, not the calendar, I meant thank you too." He wanted to hide his face. She patted his hand and her not-perfume filled his nose again. "And you know I think you should talk more too. Maybe tell Eren some of the things you told me. He'd be a fool to not want to hear them."

Her eyes warmed and they stared at each other. The sound of their breathing filled the air before she closed the gap and pressed her lips against his. Bertholdt's heart skipped a beat and he froze stiff.

She winced back gasped, hand flying to her mouth. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have.”

A flush crept down his neck. “It’s—it’s okay. It’s fine, really.”

She shook her head and balled her fists. “Look at me, throwing myself at the first guy who says something nice to me. I'm pathetic.”

He swallowed the lump in his throat. “No, no you're not. We'll just pretend it didn't happen.”

She fumbled to her feet. "Sounds good. Goodnight, Bertholdt.” She stalked off toward the barracks. Leaving him with her floral scent and her saliva on his lips.

“Goodnight,” he whispered to no one.

Bertholdt's fingers grazed his lips. A girl had kissed him. An actual, real girl _kissed him_! And not just any girl, Mikasa Ackerman!

His glee plummeted when he remembered he shouldn’t be growing so close to someone there. He had been right not to reciprocate, despite how much he wanted to. And wanted to kiss her again.

He pulled his knees to his chest.

***

Bertholdt was unable to look at Mikasa without turning red. His heart sinking each time he worried their friendship— _is that what it was?_ —was over. She was avoiding him, but so was he. What if she thought he hated the kiss and was ditching her because he didn't want her? Thinking she was indeed pathetic and unwanted.

It was untrue, very untrue. From his replaying their kiss in his head, to imagining what her hair would feel like between his fingers, and dreaming of her stepping naked from a bath full of the roses she smelled of.

Shadis had different ideas when it came to their separation when he paired them in a titan-slaying exercise. Both were given two swords rigged to break to test their kill methods when faced with faulty equipment.

Bertholdt shot his rope to the nearest tree and caught Mikasa's eye from the adjacent branch.

Despite his dry tongue he managed to mouth to her, "Trust me," before he propelling his tether to the top of the titan dummy's head. He hopped down before its mouth and jammed the blades through the back its throat and making a partial cut. They broke upon attempting to pull them out and he jumped back atop its head. If it were a real titan, it would be snapping its jaws and the swords carving up its mouth.

"Hoover, what the hell are you doing!?" Shadis yelled.

Bertholdt knew exactly what he was doing. There had been a similar exercise in the warrior program, and he did the same thing on a whim. Annie had been his partner. Both then and now he could've shouted, _"Break them off in the back of the neck then pull out the nape with your hands!"_ but silent communication was a grand assessment of one's instincts. Annie had known what to do without verbal instruction. The question was if Mikasa would too.

Mikasa swooped down on the back of the dummy's neck and completed the cut with her own faulty blades. Her hands dug into the dummy and with a great heave, ripped out the slice of the neck. Just as Annie had done.

The horn sounded indicating they'd completed the kill. A round of applause from the onlookers greeted Bertholdt and Mikasa as they tethered their way to the ground.

A rare look of surprise painted Shadis' rough exterior. “Excellent work, you two. You rest could stand to follow their example.”

"You were like totally in-sync!" Connie exclaimed. Others offered their praises and Bertholdt couldn't help beaming inside. He and Mikasa shining brighter than anyone.

Bertholdt pressed one fist to his chest and the other to his back before giving a small bow, Mikasa doing the same. They really were in-sync.

Later that evening, the squad continued to sing their praises. Reiner commending Bertholdt's creativity and Eren talking of the titans Mikasa will slay in her future—with her bare hands.

For once, Mikasa and Bertholdt filled the room.

After supper, Bertholdt found Mikasa in their spot watching the stars, hands folded behind her back. He gritted his teeth. No way could he keep silent after earlier. “Mikasa?”

She turned her head. “Bertholdt. Hi.”

“I didn’t get a chance to say earlier what a great job you did. You did exactly what I hoped you would.”

“I could tell you wanted me to figure it out on my own. It caught me off guard, but also kept me on my toes. You did a great job too.”

He slid his hands in his pockets. "We were the center of attention. Everyone was cheering us on. Felt weird."

"Nothing I do is for acclaim, but that... felt good."

"Yeah, it did. You know Thomas was begging me to show him how I did that?"

"Will you?"

"I think so."

"Good." She nudged his wrist and sparks flew through his body. "I was just thinking about taking a walk, would you like to come with me?"

“Sure.”

They strolled side-by-side across the empty training field. Rich moonlight allowed for a well-lit voyage.

“So," Bertholdt began, "if you're not here for acclaim, then why are you here? What made you decide to do this?”

She breathed a short laugh. "I thought it was obvious."

He nodded knowingly. "Eren."

"I couldn't let him do this alone."

"You'd follow him anywhere. I get it."

"Was Reiner your reason?"

His jaw clenched. "Reiner's always my reason. But also to live a worry-free life.” He recalled to add, “In in the capital. Your reason is entirely unselfish. You, Eren, and Armin will be on the front lines. Making the world a better place. I'll just be existing."

“There’s no shame in that, Bertholdt. It's not something everyone should do. If they did, there would be no left to lead normal lives. The same lives I've committed to protecting. They're the most precious."

Bertholdt's throat tightened. Protecting lives. Precious lives. A wonderful thing to choose to do. He envied her.

“That’s true,” he finally said.

They reached the shed from nights prior and their kiss replayed fresh in his mind. Her warm lips on his and her rosy scent. He suddenly felt light-headed.

Mikasa stopped by the structure and placed her hand on its wooden wall, glancing at her feet. “What happened the other night—”

He flinched back. “We already talked about that. It’s fine.”

"You didn't like it."

“Huh? Oh, no. No, I didn't _not_ like it.”

She turned, a pink dusting on her cheeks barely visible in the moonlight. His heart fluttered. “So would you mind if I did it again?”

He paused, near certain he heard her wrong, but said, “I wouldn't mind at all. It's just you said you thought you were—”

“Pathetic?” She stepped over to him and clutched the fabric of his loose shirt. “Maybe I am pathetic. But I think that's okay.” She stood on her toes and he ducked down to kiss her.

His long fingers trailed through her silky black locks and he melted into her. Bertholdt pulled back just a tad, saying against her mouth, “I’m not the one you want. Not really.”

“You’re the one I want right now. Because I’m pathetic." Mikasa pressed her lips to his with a smack. "And needy.”

“Me too.” His lips smacked against hers. “Really needy.”

Alarm bells rang through his head that he should stop, but her floral scent and the way his knees felt like jelly when her hands ran up and down his back... _God_ there was no way he could stop.

Mikasa urged him around to the shed door and rested her back against it, looking up through batted eyelashes.

He laughed. “What are you doing?”

Her shoulders fell. “Trying to be seductive.”

“Oh, right. Sorry for my idiocy.”

She turned the doorknob. “You want to go inside? Might be prying eyes out here somewhere.”

Inside? That would certainly be... private.

He nodded rapidly. “Yeah.”

She pushed the door open and they disappeared inside. It struck him odd that it was unlocked.

Mikasa's voice came from somewhere beside him. “You’d be surprised how often this shed is used for lovers. Which means..." A match sparked to life and she ignited a blue half-used candle on the row of crates lining the short wall space. Bertholdt wondered for a moment if she had planned seducing him. He instantly banished the thought as nothing could be more ridiculous than someone trying to seduce him, Bertholdt.

"There are leftovers from past rendezvous," she continued, placing the dead match by a pile of others.

“Neat.” He cringed internally at himself. Mikasa just smiled.

The candlelight illuminated her face in a glow even more complementary than the moonlight. Bertholdt imagined what her bare body might look like bathed in it.

He placed tentative hands on her waist. “I’m not experienced in this sorta thing.”

She cupped the back of his neck. “Me neither.”

“Are you sure you want to then?”

“Yes.” She fiddled with the drawstring of his pants and he nearly choked. Her fingers quivered as she tried to untie the knot, huffing in frustration.

Bertholdt took her hand. "Don't worry about that. Let's start with simpler stuff. Like this." He scooped her up and placed her on a stack of crates so she need only inch up to kiss him. Their mouths met and they experimented with different methods. Light pecking, sucking on the other's bottom lip, and rubbing tongues all while trying to avoid their teeth clacking. Mikasa hummed and her lips vibrated against his.

"Can I take off your shirt?" Mikasa asked.

He nodded. "Can I take off yours?"

They helped each other out of their tops. Bertholdt squeaked, never having seen a bare-chested girl outside of illustrations. His face burned while he took in her muscular frame and her breasts.

Mikasa's cheeks were beet red, a hesitant hand running across his chest down to his toned stomach. Shuddering from an abrupt rise in goosebumps, he rubbed her breasts and gaped. Countless times had he imagined what a girl's bosom felt like, but never thought it would be so soft and pliable.

She caressed his arms and shoulders. “I see why you have such upper body strength."

“Nng."

"You're cute." She took him into a passionate kiss.

The two experimented with different touches and kisses, making Bertholdt's hips jerk from his fast growing need. Eventually, they shed the remainder of their clothing and laid them on the floor for a place to lie. Bertholdt worried he was going to burn up on the spot. Fighting an urge to cover himself, embarrassed he was almost already fully aroused. Though she seemed as shy as he was, covering her face before he pulled her against him.

“Show me,” Bertholdt began, running his shaky hands down her incredible body, “what you want.”

Mikasa guided his fingers between her legs. Showing him how and where to touch. A slickness built as he did. He’d overheard people saying when girls liked something they got wet. A twinge of pride quirked up the corner of his mouth.

When she started bucking against his hand, Bertholdt guided her own and showed her how he liked to be stroked. Her small but strong grip made him moan for the first time. She kissed along his neck and shoulderblades, scratching a burning need for affection he was unaware he had. They took more time testing each other's hot spots and reactions before they lowered. Mikasa on her back while Bertholdt hovered above. Leaving wet kisses on her mouth, then her neck, and across her breasts. His hand slipped and slid through her while he did this. Mikasa writhed and called out his name in whispers.

Bertholdt throbbed madly, moving back up and panting against her temple. “You think I could—just for a little bit?”

“Yeah, just take it out before.”

“Tell me if it hurts.”

She mouthed, “I will,” and he began, trembling from the new and unbelievable feeling engulfing his senses.

He pushed back and forth, her back arching and gorgeous features contorting.

"Is that okay?" he asked, forcing himself to still.

She gave a nod. "How does it feel for you?"

Bertholdt restarted. "It's incredible."

"Good."

She rolled her hips up against his and he groaned. “God, Mikasa…”

After trial and error, him taking a closer angle, they built a steady rhythm. Sharing wordless, breathy cries. Mikasa squirmed, snaking her hand from his back to between her legs and rubbing herself. Bertholdt gnashed his teeth at the sight.

Her nails dug into his back and she bit back a moan, clenching around him so tight had trouble moving. Mikasa went limp under him and her eyes fluttered with satiation. Bertholdt picked up his pace and neared his end when he realized he needed to pull out. Doing so, he rested his weight on one hand and touched himself with the other. Mikasa cupped his fingers and stroked along with him, pulling him flat against her as he reached his bliss in a stuttered cry.

He struggled to catch his breath through a dizzying afterglow. Not having anticipated the amount of exertion that went into this. Mikasa pressed her lips to his, soft and intimate. Her hand trailed through his sweat-dampened hair.

A flush of cold gripped his body. Visions of the car parading him, Reiner, Annie, and Marcel on their way to Paradis, smashing Wall Maria, the screams; and the one underneath him who was there.

What had he just done? He tricked this lovely girl into connecting with him, into believing they were kindred spirits, and into having sex with him. She was his victim, not his friend.

He was despicable.

Bertholdt sat back, swallowing his growing nausea and reaching for his underwear to clean her—it didn't matter if his underwear were soiled. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to get that stuff on you.”

Mikasa sat up alongside him. “It’s bound to be messy.” He dried her before balling his fist in the fabric. Her arms slid under his and she across his back, taking him into an embrace.

_I kicked a rock onto your house. It crushed Eren’s mother. You watched her eaten alive. I did that._

Bertholdt tried not to hold her back, but her skin felt too good on his. Spreading a buzz through his body that pooled in his chest.

“I know I’m not the one you want either,” she said.

He tensed. “What?”

“Will you tell him one day?”

_Him?_

Unable to figure what she meant in his flurry of thoughts, he replied, “Yeah. I will.”

“I’ll tell someday too.” She nuzzled him. Breathing against the neck she would cut without second thought if she knew the truth.

Bertholdt needed to get away, to run and forget this ever happened. But he couldn’t bear to. Instead stroking her hair and breathing her scent. “This was wonderful.” It wasn’t a lie. Of all the lies he’d had to tell, that wasn’t one.

“Mm.”

Bertholdt felt himself truly the worst out of the three. Reiner or Annie would never do this. Reiner perhaps in his delusion, but never when himself. He knew better.

He wished he could be terrible. It would be far less cruel than his outright foolery. Get up and tell her he was feigning friendship to get into her pants, then leave her there naked. Tell the other boys what an easy lay she was. If she lived to find out his identity, she could take solace in knowing he was an awful person all around. Rather than the shock and pain of wondering what was real and the sting of betrayal. And the sickening knowledge she had held the colossal titan close.

If only the world weren’t so cruel.


End file.
